My Fairytale ( Fifty Shades of Grey)

I just want to start out by saying, that I'm not the best writer...

I have always had this issue of reading books and never wanting to finish the last book in a series. I've decided that I get cold feet. As of yesterday I offically finished the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Again, I drug out Fifty Shades Freed. It's been a llong time since I've read books back to back, as I've done these. I found myself pretending that I was the title character. Ana Steele, she was a clumsy mess of a girl. She was graduating from college when she meets Christian Grey, whom is a 27 year old Billionare.

Now Christian, is this dreamy man. He has a troubled past that book gets into deeply. They way he is written, however, is the kind of guy I've always imagined myself with. I would love to blame fairytales, on my need for this "perfect guy," buyt it's just not true. I think my imagination is the cause for the dreamy thoughts. He's tall, handsome,has messy hair, intellegent, and everything else. He has a strong personality, and he is un able to love. I imagined myself to be like Ana, in a way. The more I read on, the more I felt as thought I was in love with Mr. Grey. Though some may have considered him and asshole, I thought he was perfect. Christian was sweet, he just had a hard exterer. He even drove my dream car. He acted as a gentleman at all time, when the majority of guys would take the oppurtunity to pounce.

The sence when Ana drunk dials him, in my head is priceless. She has this crush that she isn't sure how to feel about,

incomplete.

LMAO I find this 6 months later, I don't even know where I was going with this. Ha!

just something to think about... prego related. ramble

( this turned out to be a ramble)
I was on facebook today( Jordan, your post inspired this, and I'm sorry you are feeling like this, but I will tell you, I see this almost everytime someone come up pregnant and I had a best friend tell mewhile I was pregnant you will see who your real friends are, she was right) and I noticed a post that I've seen time and time again.  You have a pregnant woman, and she feels as though her friends have sorta flaked out. A few posts down and there was a poster who noted that after her shower she cried. Well that struck a nerve, why, because on my shower I actually cried. Wow, I've never really actually acknowledged that I did that, but I did. I went off to the kitchen in the building and I cried. There were a lot of reasons, but the just of all the reasons was, that I didn't feel important. I had about max 5 friends there and my cousins Shavon, Jefferey, Raven and Sam there. I really don't know what came over me, but I sorta knew that some would not be there.  Besides, there were some that tried really hard. A friend flew in, others sent their packages and little notes, another bought my cake. I won't say that no one loved me, because they did. Some just spaced out. IDK, I just would have loved to see faces.

[I have to say this, I've missed events before in recent times, and the reason I did it was probably out of spite, there are time where I want to miss out of spite, but I can't bring myself to do it, but the entire time I'm thinking, wow you didn't even make the effort for mine :( I'm so passive aggressive. I prob need to go to therapy.] note: that's not true for everything. Sometimes I'm just a lazy ass or I feel like shit, especially when I was pregnant and I just had my kid, hell I'm still trying to figure out the balance with being a mom and functioning as an 20 something year old adult.

I just can't imagine not being there for someone. I know shit happens and plans are made. At the same time, you're dealing with someone who is carrying another being inside of them, and they are at their most sensitive part of their lives right now. The smallest thing can create a feeling of disaster. Everyone knows pregnant women are hormonal. Some are lucky and it isn't over the top, others every single little thing hurts. Everything someone one says, or does that doesn't turn in your favor, becomes this horrible thing. People are questioning your future parenting skills.

I know for me, when things upset me I don't say anything and I can mostly hold my face. When I was pregnant it was so different. My fuse was so short. Every single things hurt me. My feelings were constantly on fire. I've never cried so much in my life, as I did in those short 9 months.

How can a person be surrounded by so many people, and still feel so left out. How does that happen? I want to make it a point to be there for all those who are expecting in my life that I call a good friend.
I will say looking back, I feel as though I did fail a friend. I feel as though I missed most of her pregnancy and certainly her birth. I was off doing the college thing, but that really wasn't an excuse. I've fucked up, I've dropped the ball. I know my problem is fear. I let it control a lot of my life. I lived under the palm of how others would feel and not about how it would make me feel.

So Carla, sorry I dropped the ball when you asked me to be bridesmaid, I tried at first and then I just let it go. Lilian I sucked. I remember the first day you told me you were pregnant ( i remember it so vividly and everything I was doing at the time) but nothing about it after that, I don't remember your pregnancy. I remember you sending me pictures of the baby after, and even seeing him in his crib when we went out. I just can't say that I was there for you like I should have been. You haven't dropped the ball with me and I should have been so lucky to do it with you.


I know there have been times where I've missed events, hell I've had a friend tell me she was hurt by the way I treated one of my friends as compared to her. I had to reevaluate what she told me, she was correct. What I didn't mention, was she also has a friend that I was jealous of.  There are some relationships that can never be explained. There are reasons we are drawn to people and we have no idea why. Some you  just pour your heart and soul into, while others just work with such ease.

I do have to say, that if we are mutual friends, meaning I'm your friend and you are my friend, that I love you deeply and I want to be there for you no matter what. You've all been a part of my life and I'm pretty sure I've got the equation right finally. It took some rearranging and some adding and subtracting, but I think I've got it.

I'm trying to learn to say what I feel. It's becoming a problem and its feeding my anxiety. I toss and turn in bed and people have no clue something is up. There is just that hurt feelings situation that I just can't bring myself to do. Anyway.

Good day all! This is all over the place

October 15 is/was pregnacy/ infant lost awareness day.

The title says it all. In the wake of  a recent loss someone I know just had and the anniversary of my loss, it's only right for me to talk about it....

I will never forget the day I took that pregnancy test and it read positive. It actually wasn't the test that told me I was pregnant wit Sofia, it was the one that informed me I was pregnant with my first child. It was last September early a Sunday morning. Alex had gone to get us lunch. Before he left he has asked if I was pregnant and I politely laughed. Yeah, right I thought. Seriously though. How could that even possibly happen. It actually wasn't the first time he had asked....

He come home from his deployment in Iraq July 15th. That was such a joyous day for me.I was thrilled to have my love back. Shortly afterwards we went to Texas to visit his family. Let's just say it was all around a fun time. :D I was super tired the entire time I was there, which I attributed to partying and staying up late at night. I was also super nauseous. My breast were uber tender, which again I had a reason for. I threw that off to me getting my period soon, which by the way never came. He asked me in Texas did I need to test, because I apparently had all the signs. Blah. I laughed.

....continue Anyway I took the test and and forgot about it. I went to the restroom and low and behold 2 lines I wasn't super sure what it meant, so I texted Shenika and Sondra the 2 lines. Shenika text back asking what it meant and I wasn't sure I was in shock that I had to look to make sure that 2 lines meant pregnant. Sure enough it did! AHHH scream and insert all the curese words possible. How on earth did this happen.

From that moment on I was thrilled and scared and everything else. I was so nervous trying to tell my mom. The next 5 weeks were amazing and awesome. A few weeks after /i woke up and I noticed a pinkness. I told my mom, she assured me not to worry, and stated she pretty much had her period the whole time she was pregnant with me.

I ended up going to the ER three time. The first time the doctor told me that he didn't see anything, but my levels were high an to come back in 2 days if my levels had doubled it looked viable. Friday morning I got up and went to the hospital, while my levels didn't double they went up a lot. The new ER doctor told me he didn't see why this wouldn't go on to be a healthy pregnancy. I was happy for the moment. Saturday happened and I was just trying to stay calm.

Sunday, my world just began to fall apart. Its was unraveling. I was losing way to much blood, and I just couldn't stop crying. We went to the Er again the doctor checked me and he said he didn't see any tissue, just clots so he was still hopeful. I had an ultrasound and had to wait a while only to be told that my levels had gone down and that my uterus was no longer holding the child it was filled with blood.

I was devastated. I never felt such hurt in my entire life. I was done for the next week. I felt totally empty inside. I can only describe the hurt I felt in measure to the amount of joy I felt hen Sofia was born.
I truly would never wish that kind of loss on anyone.

I will never forget the weeks the angel baby was growing inside me,

9/6/11 Such a Special day!

As some of you know, Friday August 26th I went to Labor and Delivery. I went in was check and was at 4cm. I stayed over night, had not progressed and left Saturday morning with the option to get my water broken.  Wensday I had an appointment and Sharon checked me and she could stretch me to 5.

I was slightly sad I had to miss my cousin's wedding Saturday, but that's another story. I would have loved to walk all weekend but Tropical Storm Lee had other plans. Sunday came and went. Monday arrived ( labor day) also my god son's birthday ( also born on Labor Day). I wished for labor that day. I started contracting around noon. I sat in the tub for a little while. I got out and laid down, but I was in pain. I went to labor and delivery and she checked me and I was still stretching to 5.

I walked for an hour, came back and I was at 6 cm. They admitted me to the hospital. I walked some more and some how got to 6.5 cm. Around 1 am I was at 7. The nurse was sure that by 4 I would be at 8 so they could break my water. but Alas I was still at 7. Around 8am I was checked and I was still at 7.  So 830 900 they broke my water.

around 10 30 or so the contractions became unbareable and I was screaming in pain on the inside. I could barely stand or walk. I had to be carried to the bathroom. Finally at 1 pm -2 I was check and I had become 8/9 cm.  I stayed that way until 6 pm or so.

My midwife came in to talk to me because she was super concerned about what was going on. She said I was having abnormal labor and called it Prolonged Active Labor. Also somehting about my contractions working against each other to not open my cervix like it was suppose to. I was super exhausted and sad. She said she was going to get the doctor to talk to me about what was going on. He informed me I could still possibly have the baby vaginally, but it was going to take some work,and I may end up having a c section. I needed to start some pitocin. I was totally depressed.

Everything I had hoped for was going out the window slowly but surely. My mom had enough and went home to shower ( we had been there alsmost 2 days and nothing). I was spaced out laying in the bed and i just kept feeling like I had to go #2 I told the nurse and she said that was an awesome sign, and she'd be back to check me after 2 contractions. I assured her nothing was going on, and that I really needed to go to the rest room. So much for 2 contractions. It was an hour later when Shannon walk in with the nurse and she checked and screamed with excitement that I was ready to go at 10 cm. I asked her if she was for real.
Hell it has been 2 full days of not much progression why would this one me any different. My mom still hadn't made it back, but Alex called and my dad said she wasn;t there. He called her cell phone and nothing . Shannon told my cousin Shavon to grab my left leg, and told me to push when I felt a contraction. As I was about to push my mom walked in and again another scream of excitement.

I pushed for maybe 5 contractions, and then my little princess was here. In less than 10 minutes my life had changed...

Sofia Adele Betancourt. Born September 6,2011 at 9:50 pm. weighing 6 pounds and 10 ounces. 19 and three quarters inches. I was  in love!

First joys of being a Mommy!

So last Friday was my first birthing class. We were late, but we made it. I loved it. I just felt really connected to Alex. We watched a video about women using medication while delivering. It was interesting. We also went through the stages of labor and dilation. We did a relaxing exercise and I used the pregnancy ball, which is one of the things I plan to use as part of my relaxing and pain management. Next week we are planning on watching a med free birth, which I'm totally excited about watching. Being as natural as possible with little to no interventions is my ideal plan. I know things can happen, but i don't want anything being introduced when there is no medical reason not to.

It has been so hard trying to find bedding. I thought it would be as easy as finding her nursery furniture, but it hasn't. The moment I saw the Savannah collection by Munire, I knew it was the one. I tried looking at other cribs and furniture. I went to numerous stores, but nothing. It was the one. Haha, I guess it could be comparable to finding that one perfect wedding dress!! ( we'll see in just a couple of months). Bedding on the other hand, not so easy. I saw a few things that I liked at Baby&Me, but some of them were outrageously priced like the Nava's Pink Sandcastle which is $1600. I about lost it.  haha Glenna Jean has been a contender. I knew I didn't want those huge flower, or animal prints. I wanted something girly, but pretty and  sorta of elegant. I think I am finalizing on the Paisley Nursery set from PBK (Pottery Barn Kids) I really do love it. The colors are very bright and vibrant. I love the hint of paisley on the bumper and the pink dot sheets. The quilt is perfect and not over whelming. I'm getting her name monogrammed in the sham. Now I just need to find a mobile to go with it.
There were also paper lanterns and paper peonies mounted on the ceiling. I stole that idea.

Thursday is my first day with the La Leche League, and I'm totally excited. I breastfeeding support group. I can't wait to meet the other ladies.

You know, I always wanted to be a mom, but its so scary, nerve wrecking, and exciting all at once. I can't wait to meet my little princess. I love her so much already. I'm ready to give up all the other stuff just for her. She recently found my ribs and now she's going to town on them.

That's all for now.

I guess I'm a heathen!

Yes I believe in love ( depends on the day). I'm very liberal in my opinion except when it comes to abortion ( I'll save that for another day). I'm also very religious. Even though I was raised Catholic, and am a practicing one. I consider myself very open to the ideas, and posibilities of other religions, cultures, and ways. I know my relationship with God, and it's mine alone. There is not a book on this planet that can define and put my as a model for how to be a good, perfect Christian.  I'm sure you are wondering where this is going. Well let me just start out saying. My Christian laws don't follow my man ( government ) laws. I get it, I understand it. If you don't I think there is some miscommunication between the part that says sepereation of church and state. Yes, somethings are bound to overlap, while others never need to even be thought about in the same sentance. I want to congradulate the states that have made it possible for 2 people regardless of gender who love one another get married. I am fully and very aware of my Church's stance on the situtation. I disagree with them, and I'm ok with it. They aren't killing anyone, harming anyone, or hindering anyone. So why does someone else's love for another have anything to do with you.

Instead of keeping people who ACTUALLY love and care about one another, how about we work on making sure people are actually meant to be together. The divorce rate in the country makes me want to vomit in my  mouth. The symbol for it, is suppose to be the ring, uniting two wholes into one, a nonending circle of love and all of that. In my head, its being treated more like a necklace. You can just unclasp it, and take it off when you get tired of it, or don't want it. I have a problem with religious people not allowing people of the same gender to marry who they want, but won't say a word about someone getting or wanting a divorce. I see no stones being thrown at them. Hell most of these hypocrites probably had premarital relationships as well. They don't want to talk about that. Its ok for the to have a past. ( even though you and I both know your past is also your current). These people just can't have a nice life of love.

Enough is enough

I'm going to vent on this one. It's a personal vent. Feel free to comment or post in response to what i have to say.

Any who, I've had enough. I've been a wet blanket for a long time, and I'm tired of it. I don't take up for myself enough. It's my fault I let it go on for this long. I let people walk all over me in the past, but I've had enough. I never let guys do me any kind of way, but I've let family and friends do it. I've let them say whatever they want, an treat me any kind of way. I just don't have the energy to care about pleasing other people anymore. Nothing will change unless I want it to. I'm going to stop caring about friendships that aren't their anymore, family members I've just grown apart from.
I've learned that you can't force relationships. It really doesn't matter how much history you have with a person, it can all go out the window one day. I'm a kind and gentle person. I can have a slight attitude sometimes, but it's not who I am. Most of the time instead of telling people how I really feel about something, I save face and say nothing. I let my insides burn, to keep other people from possibly feeling like crap. I do know however, for some people it doesn't matter if I told them how I really felt, that it would have much of a reaction from them anyway.
I've also learned it doesn't matter how much you are there for a person, you can still be placed on there back burner. I will not be neglected anymore. I do think its funny that a person can say and do me anything, but when I say something back, I'm the one with the problem, or  somehow I'm disrespecting them. Am I mistaken, but didn't you just come at me. ha.
I'm going to stop breaking my own heart. I may but to much stock into some of my relationships, maybe I expect to much out of them. In one of my recent classes, the guest speaker noted that you should treat people how THEY want to be treat, not how you want to be treat. Well I'm going to stop treating how I want to be treated, because at the end of the day, I hardly ever get treated the way I want to.
Apparently ignore isn't the best tool to use. I'm not sure which one is better. Reacting gets you stooping to their lever, but apparently ignoring does to. So I guess pretending is the way to go. That's where I have the problem. I was always trying to save face, and kiss other people's asses, but at the end of the day it still got me no where except for most of the time at an even lower playing field. Everyone experiences life differently.
I've come to learn that while some people may have good intentions, they fail horribly at delivery. Myself included.
I'm not really sure where this is going, because like I said I'm venting. I just needed to breathe and get some other this off my chest. Sometimes I think that living on an island alone would do me tremendous justice.

By the way being nice doesn't get me a damn place, except walked over. Oh, you're so nice, um ok and what's next, nothing.

I'll be back with something more positive hopefully next time . Until then.