( this turned out to be a ramble)
I was on facebook today( Jordan, your post inspired this, and I'm sorry you are feeling like this, but I will tell you, I see this almost everytime someone come up pregnant and I had a best friend tell mewhile I was pregnant you will see who your real friends are, she was right) and I noticed a post that I've seen time and time again. You have a pregnant woman, and she feels as though her friends have sorta flaked out. A few posts down and there was a poster who noted that after her shower she cried. Well that struck a nerve, why, because on my shower I actually cried. Wow, I've never really actually acknowledged that I did that, but I did. I went off to the kitchen in the building and I cried. There were a lot of reasons, but the just of all the reasons was, that I didn't feel important. I had about max 5 friends there and my cousins Shavon, Jefferey, Raven and Sam there. I really don't know what came over me, but I sorta knew that some would not be there. Besides, there were some that tried really hard. A friend flew in, others sent their packages and little notes, another bought my cake. I won't say that no one loved me, because they did. Some just spaced out. IDK, I just would have loved to see faces.
[I have to say this, I've missed events before in recent times, and the reason I did it was probably out of spite, there are time where I want to miss out of spite, but I can't bring myself to do it, but the entire time I'm thinking, wow you didn't even make the effort for mine :( I'm so passive aggressive. I prob need to go to therapy.] note: that's not true for everything. Sometimes I'm just a lazy ass or I feel like shit, especially when I was pregnant and I just had my kid, hell I'm still trying to figure out the balance with being a mom and functioning as an 20 something year old adult.
I just can't imagine not being there for someone. I know shit happens and plans are made. At the same time, you're dealing with someone who is carrying another being inside of them, and they are at their most sensitive part of their lives right now. The smallest thing can create a feeling of disaster. Everyone knows pregnant women are hormonal. Some are lucky and it isn't over the top, others every single little thing hurts. Everything someone one says, or does that doesn't turn in your favor, becomes this horrible thing. People are questioning your future parenting skills.
I know for me, when things upset me I don't say anything and I can mostly hold my face. When I was pregnant it was so different. My fuse was so short. Every single things hurt me. My feelings were constantly on fire. I've never cried so much in my life, as I did in those short 9 months.
How can a person be surrounded by so many people, and still feel so left out. How does that happen? I want to make it a point to be there for all those who are expecting in my life that I call a good friend.
I will say looking back, I feel as though I did fail a friend. I feel as though I missed most of her pregnancy and certainly her birth. I was off doing the college thing, but that really wasn't an excuse. I've fucked up, I've dropped the ball. I know my problem is fear. I let it control a lot of my life. I lived under the palm of how others would feel and not about how it would make me feel.
So Carla, sorry I dropped the ball when you asked me to be bridesmaid, I tried at first and then I just let it go. Lilian I sucked. I remember the first day you told me you were pregnant ( i remember it so vividly and everything I was doing at the time) but nothing about it after that, I don't remember your pregnancy. I remember you sending me pictures of the baby after, and even seeing him in his crib when we went out. I just can't say that I was there for you like I should have been. You haven't dropped the ball with me and I should have been so lucky to do it with you.
I know there have been times where I've missed events, hell I've had a friend tell me she was hurt by the way I treated one of my friends as compared to her. I had to reevaluate what she told me, she was correct. What I didn't mention, was she also has a friend that I was jealous of. There are some relationships that can never be explained. There are reasons we are drawn to people and we have no idea why. Some you just pour your heart and soul into, while others just work with such ease.
I do have to say, that if we are mutual friends, meaning I'm your friend and you are my friend, that I love you deeply and I want to be there for you no matter what. You've all been a part of my life and I'm pretty sure I've got the equation right finally. It took some rearranging and some adding and subtracting, but I think I've got it.
I'm trying to learn to say what I feel. It's becoming a problem and its feeding my anxiety. I toss and turn in bed and people have no clue something is up. There is just that hurt feelings situation that I just can't bring myself to do. Anyway.
Good day all! This is all over the place
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